So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You smell like stripper and shame
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
