yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
