I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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