you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
