im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
