I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
