I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
