Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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