Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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