DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it because I queefed?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
