I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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