I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
