Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
