It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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