you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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