Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
