please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
