i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
