In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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