mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
