I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I deserve this hangover.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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