you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
