i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
