I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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