oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
