Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
