I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
