I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
