1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
