I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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