Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
