Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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