walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
