i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
