My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
