I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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