Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ladies don't puke and tell
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
