She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
