we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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