12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
