I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Damn victory sex feels great
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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