70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
