please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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