Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
