im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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