I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
