At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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