Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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