He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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