I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
