it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
