Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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