The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
