I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
