oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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