Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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